About my fieldwork and my data collection, which are parts of my thesis on the protective effect of cultural factors against postpartum depression in Afro-Caribbeans – an exploratory field study that I am doing alongside my internship and about how crazy it is to be a single mother in a macho society, about 5 concrete tips for more power in parenting, an honest overview of what this trip has cost, and why my youngest is the only one in the family who can talk to everyone on the island.

Observations in public spaces 

I take notes everywhere all the time, on my theme of postpartum depression and there are clear signs of why this is a minor problem here in this culture, even if you export the culture to rainy England, where Afro-Caribbean women also struggle with poor finances, racism and lack of networks nearby. The note system is divided into the following headings:

• Living conditions (breastfeeding and babies in public)
• Are infant care skills acquired before motherhood?
• Postpartum depression knowledge and treatment
• The body across life contexts
• The body in sexual context
• Psychological resilience
• Factual info

Right now, the system contains several hundred notes, observations and images. It is difficult to share images of my fieldwork because I take some anonymous pictures in public spaces, but I do not want to share them on social media without asking and I do not always have the opportunity to do so. But I photograph and take notes in supermarkets, in squares and squares, at the pharmacy, in my neighborhood, in my daughter’s institution, on the beach and at the market. My daughter goes to an all-Afro kindergarten and we live in an all-Afro area. I go out and buy bracelets, powder and interesting bottles of substances against the evil eye and receive a lot of good advice to avoid this, in Europe, very neglected, spiritual problem. More about that in my thesis, where my conclusions will naturally appear first. I hope to finish in January 2026, after I have thoroughly analyzed all the data in my thesis, but I can reveal that it is very exciting to observe how a culture can counteract postpartum depression in a completely different way than the European one.

Interview

As mentioned in the last blog Hummingbirds in the garden, coconuts in the driveway – about being an intern as a psychologist in the Caribbean, I collaborate with the maternity clinic “de kraamkliniek”. I do voluntary work for them (see later blog) and in return they have handed out my information leaflet, so some friendly clients have let me interview them. These are interviews with Afro-Caribbean women who work in depth with themes from my observations. I interview my informants for about an hour in Dutch or English, based on an interview guide. It was a fantastic, mixed crowd of beautiful women and again a thousand thanks to them for sharing their life circumstances, stories and thoughts with me: Their contribution to the study is invaluable! Together we create more knowledge about preventing postpartum depression. At the request of my supervisor, I have also interviewed a local medicine woman which was WILD – more about that in the next blog. It’s the most incredible thing to write a thesis with my own empirical data – especially because I’m doing basic research on what protects this particular population from postpartum depression. It’s like sitting and digging in the ground for an archaeological dig and it’s super exciting and very unexpected to see what comes up. I’m completely exhausted after doing interviews and doing internships, doing volunteer work and holding meetings, but also very, very tired, so I was glad that Mr. Ingversen came by and could relieve some of the pressure. He’s here for four weeks and my two big girls came at Easter, which was also fantastic, wow how I missed all 3 of them.

Crazy everyday situations: We’re only on vacation this weekend

Why am I so tired? On longer trips, crazy things always happen that thwart all plans, and it certainly happens here too…the problem is that we have to maintain an everyday life with school, internships and data collection at the same time.

From the outside it looks like a tropical vacation and on the weekend there are tours full of wild pelicans, hummingbirds, flamingos, parrots and iguanas, but weekdays are tough. The bell rings at 7:15 and the morning traffic is merciless: Everyone is out on the small roads with few traffic lights, blinded by the low-hanging morning sun and it feels like life is at stake! People drive like there is no tomorrow and I have to constantly hustle my way from small road to larger road. You can’t walk, take public transport or cycle. Sidewalks and cycle paths are almost non-existent or only on short stretches. The rush hour traffic in the morning and evening is simply the biggest joker, it’s not many kilometers, but no, it takes a long time.

Then it’s up to 8.5-9.5 hours in practice until 5:30 pm and then I can pick up Daughter D and be home around 6:30 pm – there are about 30-45 minutes in the car to pick her up. Weekday evenings we are tired because of the heat, the mosquitoes, starting a new school with lots of homework, kindergarten, speaking Dutch and English and all day and trying to fit into a foreign culture. I get help from the wonderful driver Angy https://www.facebook.com/share/15miRmRsHG/?mibextid=wwXIfr to pick up the children when I have late days off myself. On the days I have early days off we go for a swim in the sea on the way home, just like we do in the summer in Denmark.

Total collapses are, for example:

When my old worn out rental car gets too hot (I can’t blame it) and refuses to start, of course it’s 6pm on a Thursday night after a long long week where I just picked it up and the kids are sitting at home waiting for dinner… then I have to wait for my car rental company and take a huge drive to recharge the battery.

When there’s a big fat cockroach sitting on a plate we’re about to eat from and the cupboard looks very inhabited… And not with cute little Santas.

When the little mouse gets growing pains because she’s like a little plant growing really fast from all that sunshine and screams all night. 

When food poisoning hits after a trip to Pizza Hut.

When a young guy decides that the highway is a highway! I should turn left but my fellow driver wanted me to move into the right lane so he could overtake me. When I don’t obey this command, his friend in the car throws a firework at my car which explodes against the side window, on the driver’s side. Luckily I didn’t have the window open, but it makes a huge bang and I’m about to drive off the road.

Then the toilet in our Airbnb starts running at a speed that could empty the entire Caribbean Sea in a few hours, and again I have to urgently get hold of my host, as turning on various taps doesn’t help.

When the car key doesn’t work and you can’t get into the car without the alarm going off. Here the local 24-hour kiosk employees and Google Translate were absolutely indispensable in changing the battery in the car key. People are so nice here that I feel completely uncomfortable about how I, as foreigners, am treated in Denmark.

When we drive past the rotting bodies of some (domesticated) dogs that have been shot with a black garbage bag over their heads, and everyone in the car including myself needs emergency trauma therapy. Okay, so you choose to shoot some dogs, hopefully your own, but is it really necessary to leave them on the side of the road?

One night when I was out dropping off a friend in pitch darkness, my internet suddenly dies. I restart my phone, no internet, and have a hell of a time finding my way home. Then I find out that neither I nor the kids have internet or can make calls outside of our Wi-Fi. So it’s off to the internet store to stand in line for an hour to get Google Maps and friends up and running again.

Even though I put the trash out on Tuesday night and it’s supposed to be emptied every Wednesday, it takes 3 long weeks before anything happens. You can’t overfill a trash can with impunity in 35-degree heat with a bunch of wild dogs around you without getting into serious trouble.

Every time I think I’m on top and things are under control, something completely wild happens, so I’m back to Ground Zero. I’m standing in a desert with 3 children in 36-degree heat and can’t start the car, my landlord threatens me (see Hummingbirds in the garden, coconuts in the driveway – about being an internship as a psychologist in the Caribbean …) or my 2-factor authentication leaves my phone, never to return. Breakdowns that involve help from a male are problematic! Overall, being a single mother in a macho society is pretty shitty and I get mansplained the most incredible things and shouted and screamed at by strange men. I often need a male gorilla to polish them on…one who can beat his chest and make macho noises. My usual coping mechanisms of being matter-of-fact, very unfriendly and extremely clear (which normally curbs both aggression and know-it-alls in testosterone-drenched individuals) don’t work here.

Why don’t you just…

I have received a lot of suggestions on how I could solve a lot of my problems and breakdowns, for example renting a more expensive car or staying at a resort instead of a cheap airbnb. Now it just so happens that I travel on a modest budget, and for that reason I would like to share how little money you can get a trip like this here for, if you are ready to solve some practical problems and are not too sensitive or can only live with a high level of luxury. And we have both a washing machine, a chest freezer and air conditioning, which work most of the time, I’m just saying. Conversely, I have been asked why I don’t go backpacking around Central America while I’m here, but I think that’s too dangerous and inconvenient with three children.

Budget for 4 people for 3.5 months

• Daughter C and son: Two private schools total 35,000 (unfortunately, public school was only possible with really good connections)
• Airfare between 8000-11000 per person, Mr Ingversen 15,000 as it was ordered late, One suitcase check-in 2000 total 70,000
• Housing 14-15,000 per month total 52,000 (on top of rent at home)
• Rental car 3500,- per month total 10,000
• Kindergarten 2000 per month total 6500 (on top of kindergarten at home, which you can’t just cancel)
• Mobile subscription over here for 3 people per month 1000,- total 4000
• Inexpensive expenses such as visa, travel insurance, room for the girls while they were here (2500 at the neighbor’s) approx. 10,000

Total expenses approx. 190,000!! But it is definitely wise to add a buffer of 50,000,-

Experiences and entrance fees to this and that are quite modest and the rest we also have at home like petrol, food and coffee. When you are here, many things are incredibly cheap, for example a day ticket to an exclusive resort with an infinity pool, well-trimmed palm trees, white sand without cigarette butts and so on costs ten dollars per adult and children are of course free. If you want to swim with wild sea turtles it costs even less: You drive up to the beach, park the car and jump into the water. And a note to everyone who cares about turtles: The sea turtle apparently enjoyed the attention and when it didn’t bother us anymore it dived to the bottom and swam away. Visiting the desert area at Sankt Pedro costs 15 kroner in tolls and then there is free play. Access to the legendary beach Kokomo (sung about by the Beach Boys from the movie “Cocktail”) is free…etc. etc. So I freeze some water, pack a lunch and throw it in a bag. Conversely, it’s a no to things like the local water park, which costs 2500,- for a day ticket. So ladies & gentlemen: You can do such a fantastic trip here in 3.5 months for 4-5-7 people for under 200,000,- which is of course an insane amount of money, but an amount that many middle-class people can save.

On empowering your parenting with 5 simple tips

1. Adventure = chaos and loss of control

That’s how it is. Everyone has to live with it. It’s anxiety-provoking, but if you’ve done your background checks and aren’t too unlucky, no one dies from it.

2. I am a parent, not an aupair. 

The number one task as a parent is to provide love and presence, be a security guard, and occasionally confidant, but that is not the same as being an aupair, teaching assistant, personal assistant, driver or waiter. I am only their playmate on the same level as their other playmates, which means: we play when I feel like it, something I also feel like doing. The rest of the time the children are allowed to play with each other, with others or by themselves. If you take on too many tasks as a parent, you risk that you will eventually not have the energy for the really important tasks, namely being emotionally present, supporting emotional regulation and looking after your child when all sorts of crazy things happen. Our reality imposes too many tasks on parents, so it is okay to say NO sometimes even if it tears at the self-image. Here Aula – the monster of them all – has mutated and is called Parro (until 12 years old) and Magister (after 12 years old). I follow along sparingly and only participate where anything else would be a scandal.

Empowered parenting also includes being able to find your inner Ms. Winston Churchill and delegate. Delegate the cockroach-proof cleaning of the kitchen after every meal in the house, delegate the laundry with a washing machine from the 50s that can no longer spin (without a dryer) so that the clothes have to be wrung out and hung up. There must be space for me to do something other than grease lunch boxes after dinner, it can be calling my sister, participating in a women’s group or going to bed at 8 pm because I’ve been up all night with a sick child.

The interesting thing about it all is that the children are also empowered by having to take care of some tasks that have been very much in the media lately: Children and young people grow up with demands and responsibilities. They don’t think it’s the best thing, but here the parents have to take the lead.

3. Life’s dreams cost money, effort and energy.

We have an agreement to give each other time off in terms of people and resources and to be able to do without each other for short periods. Time, money and energy can be used for life dreams.

4. The family values 3F 

Especially when we are traveling, these are the three family values: Immersion, Storytelling and Community. We immerse ourselves in the place we are and in each other (zero series, very little screen time on vacation, etc.). We chase the good story and associate with the people who are in the place we are on a daily basis. My two older girls slept over at the neighbor’s, where we had rented a room, since they don’t fit in our airbnb, where we can be a maximum of five. Finding that room took three rounds of asking all the neighbors, where I went around asking who would rent a room to my daughters. I brought daughter D with me for the cuteness effect, because it is a very established neighborhood where everyone knows everyone and belongs to the same ethnicity (I haven’t seen a single Caucasian individual in the two months I’ve lived there). It’s an elderly lady of 85 and her daughter, who live in a house that has been in the family’s ownership since the World War II. The daughter was born right there in the house and the rules are as follows: Lord Christ must be honored in the home as well, so no drinking, smoking or swearing is allowed over there. I honestly didn’t dare ask for a gentleman’s visit, but I assume that’s out of the question too. Daughter A and B had a great time over there.

We do things together – no, you can’t say no to a museum visit and hang out at home in your room with your mobile phone, even if you’re very old and really don’t want to… Those dogmas don’t fit in very well with individualism and the spirit of the times, but we have amazing experiences on that account and participation in holidays is 100% voluntary.

5. Yes, you can stress your children out for a parent to follow a dream.

This trip was no exception to child stress, can you really put your children in new schools/institutions for 3.5 months? Is it OK and aren’t we stressing the poor kids unnecessarily? Just so that mom can realize a dream? Many agree that it’s great to change context, for example if you have to go from being a grumpy teenager at home in ninth grade to going to after-school care, but we have some pretty narrow limits for when it’s okay to change context for children. When are children or young people too vulnerable to change context and can they take more than they think? Here’s how it went:

Who in the family speaks Papiamento?

It is not without problems to relocate your children – there have been quite a few crisis reactions to having to speak a completely new language or a third language, to do without father, friends and a room (here all 3 children share a room). The youngest daughter D, 3.5 years old, perhaps misses father the most and also takes a proper afternoon nap (see From polar bear scarecrow to cockroach warrior: About traveling the world with children and daring to follow dreams) and it is difficult to get her to bed at the same time as the rest of us who are dead tired. In the local kindergarten there are not many teaching assistants, no teachers, no Lego blocks or free drawing and limited freedom of choice with regard to toys or activities, and the playground is very small. But just like parenthood, there are many ways to be a good daycare center.

In her new kindergarten, Daughter D is learning to write the alphabet – then suddenly she starts writing letters while singing letter rhymes and just really enjoys it: On the beach, she suddenly lies on her stomach for hours with a piece of coral reef as a pencil and writes letters in the sand while singing the rhymes to herself. In kindergarten, they often dance to different local pop music and I suddenly experience that when I take her somewhere where music is played, she stands and dances and dances and dances, with her whole body. And we have had half a winter without a single sick day, no snot, no fever… nothing.

And then she learns Papiamento – the only language that all the residents on the island speak.

Daughter D is thus the only one who is really starting to integrate linguistically. But it is not as easy as many adults would make it out to be. She is fluent in Danish and speaks a lot of Dutch, and understands most of Dutch. At the beginning, she was clearly working overtime. She complained that the other children (who only speak Papiamento to each other) laughed at her when she said something and we talked about how they laughed WITH her and not AT her. The teaching assistants explain to her and the other children that she is “not from here”…..in case anyone has any doubts because of her color. But she quickly made two good friends, named Xianira and Agnesia. But after seven weeks of language frustration, Daughter D cracked the language code for a third language and suddenly started counting strips of numbers in flawless Papiamento, singing in Papiamento and saying simple words (Danki, Bon dia, bon tarde, Ajou) and sentences, for example to a hairdresser who cuts her sister’s hair and does not speak Dutch.

Daughter C, 13, is doing well in the language department at an ambitious private school in Dutch, and is making huge leaps forward in her Dutch. Her history teacher, her mentor and her Dutch teacher all praise her for controlling her language frustration. She has made huge progress and is very good at asking questions and getting the most out of it. Socially, she is also doing well with new friends, whom she meets privately and takes to the cinema with, for example.

My son, 11, plays football – what more can I say? – in the after-school clubs and in the slum area where my psychologist friend trains local children and young people as a volunteer. He complains about his extremely difficult Dutch homework, but otherwise there is nothing.

Moral: Maybe you’re doing your kids a favor by replanting them once in a while.

The next blog is about the plant witch who had passed away, but the medicine woman who lives and heals, and about solving the unsolvable…and about creating peak moments.